A Metaphorical Vegan

I just want to start this by saying I promise I’m not a complete fucking idiot. Yes, I know that it’s extremely difficult to be something metaphorically without being something physically but let me explain. I would love to become a vegan. However I lack the self control to become a vegan. I want to drown in macaroni and cheese and I literally pop my pussy at any time for a McDouble. Don’t even begin to tell me all of these “yummy alternatives” when I lack both the will power and money to do so, which is why the vegan lifestyle is so appealing. I feel like being a vegan really makes you look like you 1. have your shit together and 2. have enough time and money to feel at ease and relaxed. When in reality I can’t even find my shit and I stress shit at least 4 times a week from work/school. I bet a vegan hardly ever stress shits, well if they do it’s probably just like around the holidays or during the election or some shit. I also feel like all vegans are good people. This is a broad statement but lets look into it: most vegans are vegans because they despise the treatment of animals, so how bad can be right? I mean I don’t think there’s a special place in hell for meat eaters where for all eternity the devil will fuck them up the ass while listening to the cries of animals, but I’m down with saving the cows and pigs. As I’m reading this I’ve realized I essentially just want to be a vegan for my own personal gain in the social hierarchy of life, go figure. Much love.



A Rock, a Hard Place, and an Ex

Hi, from the looks of the title I’m almost certain you’re expecting to see some magnificent  comparison between choices that will be life changing and continental, but remember who  you’re reading. Instead of real issues with college and shit, I’m here typing to compare my current male suitors. For a 16 year old, this is continental. Like with prom and shit, I’m basically trying to find my future husband that I will probably resent in about 15 years.

The Rock: Tyler

I know a rock is an important part of this metaphor, but this kid is literally a rock. He works out constantly and has some fucking killer muscles. Even though I first though this was to compensate for his devastatingly small penis…….well, let’s just say I was joyfully surprised. Anyways, this guy is all around fucking perfect, he’s smart, funny, well liked, athletic, etc. And get this, he finds me attractive?? Like openly finds me attractive??? Only catch about this kid is that he considers himself a Republican….need I say more? But don’t count him out, he’s totally convert-able…I mean he already accepts my flamboyantly gay best friend, what more do I need? Another thing: I fear he might be too popular, like too many people like him, too many fucking girls, and we all know how fast I jump to conclusions so who knows if it would even work. But he’s also extremely sweet to me like constantly, and while because of previous situations I’ve conditioned myself to think I like for someone to be a little mean to me, it’s nice being treated like I mean something, ya feel?

The Hard Place: Jake

I also cleverly named Jake the hard place as we were at a hard place with each other emotionally when we “re-met” at the restaurant that we both started working at. I say this because I dated his little cousin at one point when I was like 13 and met him a few times and yeah, needless to say, it was a tad awkward. But after we started getting used to each other we started laughing and joking and eventually texting. Get this though, we text constantly and whatever, yet at work he doesn’t exactly act like he we talk to much. Like we still talk and laugh, but he doesn’t let on that he likes me too much. Maybe he’s just trying to follow the whole “you don’t fuck where you work” motto and is trying to keep things semi professional at work and not let everyone know his business (which I completely understand), but I still feel like maybe if he liked me this much he would maybe talk more???? Like he says he’s shy and all but?????

The Ex: Emmett

Before you tell me how stupid I am for fucking with an ex, I already know, don’t hound me and my naive heart. I’ll learn one of these days. I feel like everyone has that one ex that keeps stumbling back into their lives one way or another, and that’s Emmett. The only reason we broke up is because I decided to be used by a prick for a year and a half instead of being in a relationship. I just find myself constantly thinking what-if or about giving it another try. I mean now a days he likes to smoke pot and listen to rap music a lot, but right on???? I guess???? I don’t know he’s always been really up my ass and loving towards me, so might as well throw him in to my big ole bucket of hoes. I mean I can forget he fucked one of my best friends to get back at me for leaving him right???

As you can see, I’m extremely torn and extremely dramatic. However I’d love to hear an outside perspective on this shit show so feel free to comment below on what I should do/who I should go with, since it’s obvious I have no fucking idea. That’s (almost) all folks.