A Metaphorical Vegan

I just want to start this by saying I promise I’m not a complete fucking idiot. Yes, I know that it’s extremely difficult to be something metaphorically without being something physically but let me explain. I would love to become a vegan. However I lack the self control to become a vegan. I want to drown in macaroni and cheese and I literally pop my pussy at any time for a McDouble. Don’t even begin to tell me all of these “yummy alternatives” when I lack both the will power and money to do so, which is why the vegan lifestyle is so appealing. I feel like being a vegan really makes you look like you 1. have your shit together and 2. have enough time and money to feel at ease and relaxed. When in reality I can’t even find my shit and I stress shit at least 4 times a week from work/school. I bet a vegan hardly ever stress shits, well if they do it’s probably just like around the holidays or during the election or some shit. I also feel like all vegans are good people. This is a broad statement but lets look into it: most vegans are vegans because they despise the treatment of animals, so how bad can be right? I mean I don’t think there’s a special place in hell for meat eaters where for all eternity the devil will fuck them up the ass while listening to the cries of animals, but I’m down with saving the cows and pigs. As I’m reading this I’ve realized I essentially just want to be a vegan for my own personal gain in the social hierarchy of life, go figure. Much love.

-K

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